I've been told that I have an expectations problem, but the problem is, everything exceeds my expectations. Always. Yes, I just dropped a hyperbole. And I don't take it back.
Alissa, hand me a lighter. It's time to sing kum-ba-ya.
I try to imagine my life and where it's going. I really do. I stare at the ceiling sleeplessly, envisioning it all...I know it's got to be more complicated than husband, kids, house. Don't get me wrong, I want those things. I want it all. I'll tell you a secret: I hope for those things above all else. But nothing ever moves in a straight line, no matter how strictly and stringently we plot, plan and deliberate. I stay up at night thinking about this, about all the wondrous, tragic, transformative, wretched, whimsical and straight up miraculous things that could (and will) happen to me tomorrow. And even as I try to predict and procure the most impossible scenario, my imagination never lives up to my reality. Ever.
In high school I played the leading role of Emily in Wilder's Our Town. If you haven't read it, do. Aside from having to freeze a very disgusting fake kiss with my friend's boyfriend, this particular character struck a chord with me.
I am not a Carrie, a Samantha, a Miranda or a Charlotte. In the realm of all things fiction, I am an Emily.
But really, Emily says: "That's all human beings are. Just blind people." And I can't help but open my eyes these days.
And yes, I take people, things, seemingly random acts of destiny, and simple miraculous moments for granted sometimes. I trip over myself, I doze in class, I get caught up in the mundane, but still, I find myself amazed and excited by what the new day brings. Today: a new flavor of juice, a conflict resolved, a new friend, a burst of energy, a few tears, a different route home, a lost credit card, keeping the confidence of someone I admire and the first long bath I've taken in two years. Nothing momentous, but miraculous nonetheless.
My life is pretty great, but it's no better than yours.
I use Google calendar obsessively. Tomorrow I have an array of colored blocks delineating what I've got ahead of me. But really, I have no clue at all.
I've got a meeting with my thesis advisor at 7:30, class at 9:00 (complete with in-class presentation being given by yours truly), work at 12:00 and a TV date with Natalie at 9:00pm. Those are just the low-lights. The beauty is, aside from knowing where I have to be when, I haven't got a clue what I'll learn, where I'll go or what I'll see. I have no idea who will change my life in the next 24, but I guarantee, somebody will.
All I have to do is keep my eyes open. I'm never bored.
That's what I want. Everything. "Life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd."
And that's what it's like operating on my level. Want to come? It's pretty breezy up here, the water's nice, and it smells like patchouli.
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1 comment:
We're going to need a bigger lighter. Like my new Zippo torch. Kum-ba-ya indeed, sweet Kate. I love the climate where you are, although I know the pressure is far more intense than barometric. The other side of your particular coin is what we've talked about so many other times--if what you've just rendered in the photograph, I'm speaking of the original developed negative--the inverse of your lightness. I'm equally grateful for that as for this, and the entire landscape is breathtaking. Thanks for this today!
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