Pathos

A feeling of sadness and longing that is not akin to pain, and resembles sorrow only as the mist resembles rain. (Longfellow)

I wandered for two and a half years and somehow tonight I am at the beginning of the circle - that's what it looks like in my head, the beginning of a circle, if that makes sense. It's certainly the way the air feels. Crisp, below 65 degrees (Farenheit, now, which reminds me that it's not a circle after all) and clear. It feels as if everything paused and I am again at my arrival, and some cinematographer has dulled it into sepia tones. It is beautiful like this. The way it should have been, two years too late, and right on time.

The year 2005.

To come here and study and be near family. To do the right thing. To take comfort in pages and watch the seasons change. To grow up. And to have nothing distract or disturb that. Right.

All of a sudden I'm lighter and younger, and my arrival here is not clouded by a whirlwind of heartache or the chaos of distraction. It is finally what I envisioned in time for me to leave, and I am nostalgic.

What could have been, if life hadn't happened. Isn't that always the way? (and of course I wouldn't change it, so don't bother asking)

Where would I be now, if things had gone my way? What would I have become if you and you and you hadn't happened? If the autumn breeze hadn't turned into the blizzard of the unpredictable. I wavered and it won. But one finally learns the game and then it changes. So I'm not saying anything new. I'm sure you aren't shocked.

I still accomplished my goals. Over budget and behind schedule, but still. A few opportunities squandered, the important ones salvaged. Some lovely surprises. The worst case scenario played out, but it wasn't so bad.

I fear less now. I know less now. Am I finally resolute?

The air still feels like Autumn. The beginning of a circle. A romantic memory that is still to come and has already passed. A second chance.

Many new plans, or rather, old plans, resurrected.